"Adoption is not a second choice, a fallback option, or because you can't have 'your own,' but wholly believing you are seeking to bring home the very child God created with you and your home in mind, fully equipping you to be the parent He created you to be." -Unknown
"The will of God is always a bigger thing than what we bargain for, but we must believe that, whatever it involves, is it good, acceptable, and perfect." -Jim Elliot
Final Part of this Series...Continued from Parts 1, 2, and 3:
http://www.onefleshonelove.blogspot.com/2015/10/our-last-4-losses-explained-our-embryo.html
http://www.onefleshonelove.blogspot.com/2015/10/our-last-4-losses-explained-our-embryo_23.html
http://www.onefleshonelove.blogspot.com/2015/10/our-last-4-losses-explained-our-embryo_26.html
So, where are we physically, emotionally, and spiritually after this journey?
Physically, my body seems happy to be off the medications. Of course, I'd rather have terrible side effects from meds forever, rather than have lost these babies. But since I had no control over the outcome of this journey (and I'm thankful I didn't, as God's ways are perfect), I'm glad not to be popping multiple pills a day now. If you include our IUIs, our two embryo transfer cycles, and my miscarriages, my body has been on and off a very complex cocktail of various meds since July of 2014. Not having my hormones all over the place feels much more stable, physically.
Emotionally, I feel so many things. Sometimes I just feel shocked that, between biological children and adopted embryos, we've had 6 children go to Heaven in 14 months. My entire life, since I was very young, I really just wanted to be a wife and mommy of many little ones. I never thought I'd actually have 7 children, and I certainly never thought that I'd say, out of those 7, we'd only be raising one of them here on this earth. Mostly, I just miss my babies. I know God will restore my joy...he always has. But I will never NOT miss the children that I don't have here with me. I could never say which of the 6 we've lost I miss the most, because I love them all equally and with everything I have. None of them mean more to me than the other. I'd give anything just to see them one time on this side of eternity. I've never shed as many tears in my life as I have in the last 14 months. I'm convinced that, if all of my tears from our secondary infertility journey were bottled up, all of the oceans of the world would look tiny in comparison. But, on the same end, I literally cannot wait for the reunion our very large family will have in Heaven. We always give the babies we have lost names. It is very important to us. Our first two biological losses, and our first two embryo losses, were named very soon after losing them. We have not yet decided on names for these last two, but we will. It is important to us that they all always be considered part of our family. We are in the process of making memorial shadow boxes for each of them, and hopefully soon I'll get tags for all of them added to my beloved "mommy bracelet" that is so dear to me. Like most believers, I look forward to that day when there is no more earthly pain and sorrow, and David and I can hug each of our precious children and be with them for eternity. We are very blessed by what is waiting for us. And, in another aspect, I've literally never been more thankful for Joseph than I am now. He is of no more or more less importance to us than our other children, but all of this has truly reinforced for us what a miracle his presence here is. By worldly standards, his conception should never have been possible, and he never should have survived the situation that unfolded on the day that he was born. But, despite all the odds, God saw fit to give us this precious boy and to let us keep him here. He is an amazing big brother to all of his little siblings, even though they are not here with us. When we talk about them, he tells us with no hesitance that they are with Jesus. The joy he has brought us is beyond expression and, the more we have lost, the easier it seems to keep our patience with him when he has a difficult day, and to snuggle with him in our own bed when he has a bad night of sleep. Things that once were challenging for me with him seem now, instead, like an extra opportunity to thank God for this sweet child. On another note, I struggle with the fact that this likely means I will never be pregnant again. I'll never again feel morning sickness or swollen ankles or experience that late pregnancy "I can't get comfortable in any position" feeling. I'll never experience giving birth again, in any manner, or nurse another child. My breastfeeding relationship with Joseph was, to me, one of the dearest parts of my motherhood experience, and sadly I don't know if I'll ever have that chance again. God's ways are so much higher, though, I know.
Spiritually, we are confident of one thing, that God is sovereign, and that He is good. We believe with all of our heart that he MEANT for me to carry each of our 7 babies, no matter how short the time. He meant for US to be the family to adopt these particular four snowflake babies. The evidence of how things fell into place is simply too great to think otherwise. We don't know, and will never claim to know, during our earthly days, why he took any of these 4 snowflake babies or two of our biological babies home so soon. It isn't for us to know right now, unless he chooses to reveal it to us. But He had every day of their little lives numbered, just like He does for us and for everyone else. His ways are not ours, but His ways ARE perfect. Of that, we are sure. He was not shocked by any of this, but instead, knew how this would all play out from the beginning of time. We are endlessly grateful that He allowed us to be the ones to give these little ones a chance at continued life, and that he has allowed us to love so many babies that we will one day meet in eternity.
We are thankful for our donor family, who, right now, we only know through pictures and through medical history. Currently, we do not even know their names. We are thankful for the choice they made to donate these little ones, rather than destroy them. Legally, they had the right to give them a very different outcome, but they chose life for them, and also chose to give another family (us), hope. They have been informed, by our fertility clinic staff, of the outcome of both of our transfers, and they graciously allowed us to write them a letter, thanking them, for the chance they gave us, and explaining the love we had for these babies. It is a curious and all the same wonderful feeling to know that four of our children are, genetically, the children of another couple, and we feel a very special bond to this family. In our letter, we gave them our names and contact information, and expressed our desire to get to know them further. We would very much love to know the "first parents" of these four precious little ones. Whether or not they contact us is up to them, and we will understand either way. But, regardless, our love for them and our appreciation to them will never change.
We are thankful to the staff of Premier Fertility Center in High Point, NC. Truthfully, I never knew that a medical facility could make you feel so much like family. The rejoiced with us in victories, and mourned with us when things did not go as we would wish. They always treated us like people with real feelings and real concerns and real emotions, not just patients coming for treatment. I could never, ever say enough good things about each and every one of them, for all they did for us over the past two years.
We are ENDLESSLY appreciative to our family and friends for the support we've received throughout our journey. I could have never imagined that so many people would pray for us and love on us. From prayers, to hugs, to emails, to random surprises like cards in my mailbox, the support has been overwhelming. Our family feels so very loved. One of the most shocking moments came a couple of weeks ago, on the same day when we found out for sure that I was not pregnant, when my MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) table group from church delivered an enormous "basket of sunshine" at our door, just to love on us and encourage us. With the exception of one (my dear friend Jessica), this is a group of women that I've only KNOWN for a couple of months, and yet they chose to do this for us. I was totally amazed. God has been SO good to us with the people he has put in out lives...from our own parents to our old friends to our new friends to even our acquaintances.
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| The "He is Good" banner from my MOPS ladies |
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| And an amazing care basket |
We feel honored that God has used our fertility struggles and embryo adoption to allow us to be advocates of adoption in general. We are able to say, with assurance, that the love one feels for a child through adoption is no different than the love one feels for a child through biology. We have the knowledge that there are 153 million children in the world in need of a home, and this does not include an enormous number of donated frozen embryos. In many ways we are thankful for our fertility struggles, as it opened our hearts to the concept of adoption, and, not only that, but actually gave us a passion for all forms of adoption - embryo, private domestic, foster, and international - and for families involved in these processes. We are also grateful for the opportunity this entire struggle and process has given us to further strengthen our desire to be an advocate for the unborn, and to show the world that the smallest babies matter.
Where do we go from here? We aren't entirely sure yet. We've always told God that we would accept an only child (even though, truthfully, MY desire has always been to have at least 3-4 children), if that was His will, and to please guide us in that regard. As of now, we do STILL feel in our hearts that God has more children for us to be raised on this earth. We are praying through what that looks like right now in terms of other possible forms of adoption and family building. I do think that we can say, for now, that we will no longer be pursuing any type of fertility interventions, as we feel like that door has been closed for us. Currently, we have an inkling as to where he may be leading us in terms of a new adventure in family building, but we will withhold announcing those plans until we feel absolutely certain that he has confirmed that on our hearts. Regardless, I know that great things are ahead for us, as he has promised to always bless us with His presence, regardless of what earthly struggles we may endure.
Thank you, from the bottom of our hearts, for caring about us and about our journey. Looking forward to seeing what's in store from here!
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