Continued from the first two parts in this blog series:
http://www.onefleshonelove.blogspot.com/2015/10/our-last-4-losses-explained-our-embryo.html
http://www.onefleshonelove.blogspot.com/2015/10/our-last-4-losses-explained-our-embryo_23.html
Initially we had wanted to do our final transfer in September (for no other reason that we were anxious to get these little ones out of the freezer and into me), but we found out that our fertility specialist, Dr. Deaton, would be traveling the week that our transfer would fall in. Thus, transferring in September would not be possible. So we patiently waited, and, when my cycle started in late September, we started up our whole routine again - the meds, the ultrasounds, the blood work - for an October transfer. It was pretty much the same routine from last time, with just a few small differences, so there's not really a lot to explain about it all here.
Our transfer was scheduled for Tuesday, October 6th, at 1pm. I'm definitely not at all a "superstitious" person, because I know everything is 100% in the hands of God. But I do always feel a little better about things happening in October, because it is probably the best month for our family...we got married in October of 2008. We had Joseph in October of 2012. And we found out in October of 2014 that we were pregnant with Jesse (even though we lost him/her, that baby brought us so much happiness during those early weeks of pregnancy). So October always just feels like a good month to me. :-)
Just like last time, we dropped Joseph off and got to our clinic a little early. We were taken back to the same room to consult with Dr. Deaton and Dr. Wininger, and we again found out that the thawing process went perfectly. We were given a picture of these two sweet babies, and Dr. Deaton told us that he wanted us to understand that the entire clinic staff was really hoping and praying this transfer would lead to us taking home a newborn down the road. He said we had been through so many disappointments, and everyone really wanted this badly for us. I truly think the staff at Premier wanted this just about as much as we did. Everyone there had become like family to us.
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| In the waiting room and soooooooo excited! |
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| Sweet snowflake babies! |
Next, we were lead back to the transfer room. I was getting a little nervous, already expecting this to be a very difficult and painful event like it was last time. Imagine my shock when things were started and the cervical catheter went almost directly through. I felt about 15-20 seconds of intense cramping (NOTHING compared to my last transfer!) and it was all done! I was so happy! Dr. Deaton couldn't stop talking about how positive he felt about things...he said this transfer went so easily and well, and that the embryos looked so good. He reminded us, of course, that nothing is a sure bet, but that he was very optimistic about this time. We left giddy with excitement.
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| Just a few minutes after an unexpectedly easy transfer. All smiles! |
We went home and I spent the next 2.5 days resting and relaxing, just like last time. Just like last time, I missed picking up my sweet Jojo, but I did take naps with him a couple of days and get to rock him to sleep at night, which was wonderful. I kept monitoring myself for any early symptoms of implantation or pregnancy but, like last time, it's always hard to tell what's pregnancy and what's medication symptoms. As I said in my last post...we didn't want to lose any of these babies. So, of course, twins were definitely our prayer.
Friday morning was the earliest time I expected that I could potentially get a positive, but I knew it was still early, and that there was probably only the possibility of getting a positive that soon if both babies had implanted and we were having twins (and even a lot of twin moms don't get positives that soon). So I tested that morning and, when I got a stark negative, David and I didn't think too much into it, figuring our positive test would (hopefully) follow the next day.
Saturday, for me, was a key day. Getting a positive Saturday would mean I got a positive a full day earlier than last time, and that would make me feel a little better about higher hormone levels. So Saturday morning, David and I woke up early to see what that day's test would show. Much to our dismay, we watched in sadness as the screen stayed white where we were hoping a second line would be.
Really, I was just sad and in disbelief. I knew there was still the possibility of getting a positive the next day or even later, but I also knew that if that happened I'd be worried that, with numbers low enough that it took so long to get a positive, another miscarriage would possibly be in our future. We went about the day the best we could...took Joseph to a fall festival at Bur-Mil park, and went to another fall festival in my parent's neighborhood. One really hard thing for me is that the weather was overcast and rainy all day, which seemed to match our moods. But at least we were staying somewhat distracted. I was just praying that we'd wake up the next morning (Sunday) and get a positive, knowing that, if that happened, there WAS still a chance that things could work out well, even if that chance seemed smaller than I hoped.
So Sunday morning came, with another negative test. Nothing that one could even consider a positive test line. I had a total breakdown at 5:30am. I laid in bed and bawled my eyes out while David held me. We were both pretty shocked and devastated. I pulled it together and we made it to church, and we basically spent the next few days just trying to make sense of things, and getting more negative home tests (not that I would have ever expected a positive past that point, but I kept testing every morning just to make sure). Wednesday the 14th I went for my blood test, and, that afternoon, the nurse called me to confirm what I already knew - my hcg level was negative. So far as we know, for whatever reason (generally, it is assumed to be genetic problems with the embryos), neither of these embryos implanted into my uterus at all. It appears that, sometime within a day or two after our transfer, they went directly to the arms of Jesus. We know they were briefly alive, inside of me, for a very short period of time, and for that, we are thankful. And, despite our sadness at not being able to raise them on this side of eternity, we are thankful that they are now living a life far better than anything we could have given them here.
So the story of our 2nd transfer is sad, but brief. I don't want to end things on a sad note, though, so tomorrow I'll have a final post regarding our thoughts about all of this, where we go from here, and our belief that, despite losing 6 babies in 14 months, God is still good.
Thanks for continuing to read our story.
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