For those who don't know the most recent journey we've been on since mid-April, I know what you are thinking. How is it possible for anyone to lose 4 babies in 6 months? How could someone even get pregnant that often (especially someone as infertile as I am!)? (And of course, this does not include the 2 babies we lost to miscarriage in 2014). I know you've been wondering and, while some of our close family and friends know what we've been up to since spring, many of you don't, so here we go (this is going to be a REALLY long story, so I'm going to write the whole things out in multiple parts). I will say, it's definitely been one of the most challenging emotional and physical journeys I've ever been on, but it's a very unique story that, I feel, is worth telling. Also, for those who want to know more about our past fertility struggles (I've always been an open book about them, to let others know they aren't alone!), you can catch up with the following:
Our Primary Infertility Journey: http://onefleshonelove.blogspot.com/2012/06/our-journey-to-parenthood.html
Going Public About Our Secondary Infertility: http://onefleshonelove.blogspot.com/2014/07/honesty-and-transparency-going-public.html
Our First Two Miscarriages: http://onefleshonelove.blogspot.com/2015/01/two-babies-in-heaven.html
So, if you've read the above, you basically know all about our fertility struggles, all due to my severe endometriosis. Endometrial tumors on my ovaries left them virtually destroyed. How I got pregnant with two biological children after Joseph (the two we lost to miscarriage) was apparently a combination of heavy fertility meds with a large does of "miracle" thrown into the mix.
So, after our last IUI in March failed to result in pregnancy, we were at a crossroads. We truly believed (and still do!) that God intended us to have more children to raise here on earth. Over the past year or so, we've increasingly felt the Lord laying adoption on our hearts (NOT as a "backup" option, but as a true calling). However, on the flip side, I felt a strong desire to experience pregnancy, birth, and breastfeeding again. How can these two things - a call to adoption and a desire to experience pregnancy - fit together? The answer, for us, was relatively simple - embryo adoption.
Before I explain what embryo adoption is - I need to put a disclaimer out here. I realize I have a lot of friends who have different views of "when life begins" or "when a human being begins." I know this can be a hot topic, and in this particular post I do not wish to politicize things. Those who know me know that I am militantly pro-life (I really don't know how else to describe it), and I believe with every fiber of my being that a human being absolutely begins at conception. Thus, when it comes to our family, we believe that embryos (an egg that has been fertilized by a sperm) is a full human being, created by God, and given a soul. Although they may look, to many, like a "ball of cells," in our belief system they are absolutely no different from you or from me, they are simply at a different stage of development. After all, ALL of us started as embryos. :-)
Now that I've given our viewpoint, let me explain what embryo adoption IS. When a couple chooses to pursue IVF (in-vitro fertilization) treatment to get pregnant, the woman's eggs are fertilized by the man's sperm in a petri dish. Generally, multiple embryos are created to give the couple a good chance of getting pregnant, but only one or two embryos would be "used" at a time. Thus, once a couple gets pregnant and feels their family is complete, "extra" embryos are often left and preserved through a highly specialized freezing process (this is high-tech stuff, guys, despite the image I often have in my head of embryos tucked into a freezer bag and put in a deep freezer, lol). So, what is the fate of these embryos, if they are not to be used for a chance at pregnancy? Until about 17 years ago, the options were for them to be destroyed, donated to research, or frozen indefinitely. For a pro-life Christian, these options present a multitude of problems. Obviously, destroying them OR donating them for research would ultimately mean destruction of a human being, and freezing them indefinitely would really be no different, as it would be putting that human being's life on hold forever. So, about 17 year old, a woman who had been struggling to get pregnant herself AND had a heart for the fate of these "smallest" human beings contacted Dr. James Dobson, of Focus on the Family (who has, incidentally, become one of the biggest advocates of embryo adoption) and a pro-life OB/GYN to question them about the possibility of adopting another couple's frozen embryos to use in getting pregnant herself. They all determined that there was no reason that this couldn't be a possibility, and, moreover, that God would honor this idea, and thus the idea of embryo adoption was born. giving a woman the ability to carry and give birth to her adopted child (while, at the same time, saving one of these little lives) Amazing!
So, the embryo adoption process goes as follows: Legal paperwork is completed and an attorney used to legally transfer embryos from the couple that created them to the adopting couple. When the adopting couple is ready to proceed with the physical side of the process, the adopting mother would start a heavy regime of fertility drugs meant to perfectly prepare her body for these embryos. Around day 17-22 of her cycle (depending on a variety of factors), the embryos would be passed, via a catheter, through the adopting mother's cervix and into her uterus, with the hope that they will implant in her uterine lining and grow, from that point on, in the same way they would had she conceived them herself. There are NO guarantees the embryos will implant, much as it's possible for any woman to have an egg fertilized but not have that embryo implant in her uterus (obviously, in normal proceedings, most women would never even know that this had happened to them). But success rates for embryo adoption are relatively good, and we were so, so excited. Clear as mud, huh?
Oh, and I should stop now and explain a bit of terminology. Babies born from embryo adoption are often called "snowflake babies," since they spent part of their life frozen. I use the term "our snowflakes" very frequently when referring to these four precious little ones, so I didn't want anyone to be confused. :-)
In April, we had prayed about things and decided that this was a good pathway for us for the moment. It was so important for us to advocate for these little ones and show the world that these were precious little human lives, not "clumps of tissue." And it gave me the chance to be pregnant again, which I so desired! After tons of research, we had settled on going through an embryo adoption program in Raleigh. Based on our research we were prepared, no matter what program we went through, to wait anywhere from 6 months-2 years to be matched with donor embryos, and even then would only be guaranteed to be matched with one (obviously the more embryos you can be matched with the more a) that you give a chance at continued life and b) the higher your chances of getting pregnant). We knew it was going to be a long process, and an expensive one (Side note: While it didn't end up being long, it did end up being expensive! But worth it!), but we were excited and ready.
So anyway, on the day in April that I had planned to call the Raleigh program to set up our initial consult and get - what we thought would be - the long process started, it dawned on me that I probably ought to call Dr. Deaton, our own fertility specialist at our own clinic (with whom we had done our IUIs), to get his thoughts and make sure he thought I'd be a good candidate, physically, for embryo adoption.
Our whole world changed forever for the better when the IVF coordinator from our clinic called me back about 30 minutes later (I say "forever for the better" because, while obviously this whole story doesn't end as we hoped it would end, these tiny babies will still forever be a blessing to our family), saying that they actually had a group of FOUR embryos, donated from the same family, AT OUR CLINIC, that were available for adoption. And then she told me that, if we wanted them, they were ours! No waiting. No long, drawn out matching process. I literally almost dropped the phone from shaking. In all of my research on embryo adoption, I'd never heard of a couple being matched with embryos so quickly (I had also joined a couple of online embryo adoption Facebook groups and had not encountered any women in those being matched so quickly, either). She told me we should come see the file, which would have pictures of the donor parents and their medical histories and, if we wanted to proceed, we could sign the legal paperwork the next week.
I hung up the phone, called David and told him everything, planned a time with him to go see the donor file the next day, and threw Joseph in the car, went to Harris Teeter, and bought several large bags of M&Ms. WHY did I do this last part, you ask? Seriously, I have no idea. I just know that I was so happy, so excited, so hopeful that I might carry and give birth to a baby again, that it was almost like I was sleep walking. I didn't even know what I was doing, I was just blissfully putting things in my cart. In retrospect, it really was quite funny. Everything with this process just fell into place so perfectly...we were literally matched with embryos on the DAY that we started the process. It was most definitely a "God thing," which is another reason that, even though we now know we won't be taking home a newborn from any of these embryos, as we had hoped, God had these little snowflake babies in mind specifically for us.
So, the next day, David, Joseph (we wanted him to be included in things, too!) and myself went to the clinic to look at the donor file. We had already decided, as a couple, that the physical appearance of the donor family was of no importance to us. We didn't care what our children may look like at all, we just wanted children! Somewhat important, though, was the donors medical history, ONLY so that we would have an idea of any medical needs our children may have and whether or not we would have a financial means to give them the care they needed (as a side note here, we believe ALL embryos deserve a chance at continued life, even those who may have a genetic or other physical or mental disorder, we simply had to be mindful, as a one-income family, of how well we could financially parent these children).
When we got to our clinic they took us to a private room where we could look at the chart. As soon as I opened it, I'm pretty sure my heart skipped about 10 beats. Our donor family was precious, and, as we looked at their medical history, it because increasingly clear that there was really nothing of concern. They have beautiful boy-girl twins from the same exact "set" of embryos (these two children are the genetic siblings to the 4 snowflakes we adopted). Our donor couple was anonymous at the time of donation, but had written in the contract that they were open to meeting us and having more of an "open adoption" down the road if we desired that. And these embryos had only been frozen since May of 2013, meaning they still retained a very good chance of successful implantation and live birth. We opened the door and told Angela, the IVF coordinator, "YES."
The notary at our clinic had gone home for the day, so there was no way we could sign the papers that day. So we set up a day the following week to go sign them, which we did. The nurses told me to call our clinic as soon as my next cycle started, and that she'd call in all of my meds to a mail-order fertility pharmacy so that we could do an embryo transfer on my next cycle. In the meantime, we had to, as part of the agreement, see (together) a counselor specially trained in emotional issues surrounding adoption, just to make sure we were prepared for the unique emotional aspects (for adoptive parents and adopted children) that come along with any form of adoption. We met with her the next week, too, and were cleared to proceed. We couldn't believe how quickly things were moving!
Part 2, which deals with our first embryo transfer, coming soon...
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| Just before signing the adoption papers |
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| "They're ours!" |
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