Our Last 4 Losses Explained - Our Embryo Adoption Journey: Part 4

"Help me, Lord, 'cause I don't understand your ways.  The reason why, I wonder if I'll ever know.  But even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same, 'cause I'm still here, so far away from home." -Mercy Me

"Adoption is not a second choice, a fallback option, or because you can't have 'your own,' but wholly believing you are seeking to bring home the very child God created with you and your home in mind, fully equipping you to be the parent He created you to be." -Unknown

"The will of God is always a bigger thing than what we bargain for, but we must believe that, whatever it involves, is it good, acceptable, and perfect." -Jim Elliot

 Final Part of this Series...Continued from Parts 1, 2, and 3:

http://www.onefleshonelove.blogspot.com/2015/10/our-last-4-losses-explained-our-embryo.html

http://www.onefleshonelove.blogspot.com/2015/10/our-last-4-losses-explained-our-embryo_23.html

http://www.onefleshonelove.blogspot.com/2015/10/our-last-4-losses-explained-our-embryo_26.html


So, where are we physically, emotionally, and spiritually after this journey?

Physically, my body seems happy to be off the medications.  Of course, I'd rather have terrible side effects from meds forever, rather than have lost these babies.  But since I had no control over the outcome of this journey (and I'm thankful I didn't, as God's ways are perfect), I'm glad not to be popping multiple pills a day now.  If you include our IUIs, our two embryo transfer cycles, and my miscarriages, my body has been on and off a very complex cocktail of various meds since July of 2014.  Not having my hormones all over the place feels much more stable, physically.

Emotionally, I feel so many things.  Sometimes I just feel shocked that, between biological children and adopted embryos, we've had 6 children go to Heaven in 14 months.  My entire life, since I was very young, I really just wanted to be a wife and mommy of many little ones.  I never thought I'd actually have 7 children, and I certainly never thought that I'd say, out of those 7, we'd only be raising one of them here on this earth.  Mostly, I just miss my babies.  I know God will restore my joy...he always has.  But I will never NOT miss the children that I don't have here with me.  I could never say which of the 6 we've lost I miss the most, because I love them all equally and with everything I have.  None of them mean more to me than the other.  I'd give anything just to see them one time on this side of eternity.  I've never shed as many tears in my life as I have in the last 14 months.  I'm convinced that, if all of my tears from our secondary infertility journey were bottled up, all of the oceans of the world would look tiny in comparison.  But, on the same end, I literally cannot wait for the reunion our very large family will have in Heaven.  We always give the babies we have lost names.  It is very important to us.  Our first two biological losses, and our first two embryo losses, were named very soon after losing them.  We have not yet decided on names for these last two, but we will.  It is important to us that they all always be considered part of our family.  We are in the process of making memorial shadow boxes for each of them, and hopefully soon I'll get tags for all of them added to my beloved "mommy bracelet" that is so dear to me.  Like most believers, I look forward to that day when there is no more earthly pain and sorrow, and David and I can hug each of our precious children and be with them for eternity.  We are very blessed by what is waiting for us.  And, in another aspect, I've literally never been more thankful for Joseph than I am now.  He is of no more or more less importance to us than our other children, but all of this has truly reinforced for us what a miracle his presence here is.  By worldly standards, his conception should never have been possible, and he never should have survived the situation that unfolded on the day that he was born.  But, despite all the odds, God saw fit to give us this precious boy and to let us keep him here.  He is an amazing big brother to all of his little siblings, even though they are not here with us.  When we talk about them, he tells us with no hesitance that they are with Jesus.  The joy he has brought us is beyond expression and, the more we have lost, the easier it seems to keep our patience with him when he has a difficult day, and to snuggle with him in our own bed when he has a bad night of sleep.  Things that once were challenging for me with him seem now, instead, like an extra opportunity to thank God for this sweet child.  On another note, I struggle with the fact that this likely means I will never be pregnant again.  I'll never again feel morning sickness or swollen ankles or experience that late pregnancy "I can't get comfortable in any position" feeling.  I'll never experience giving birth again, in any manner, or nurse another child.  My breastfeeding relationship with Joseph was, to me, one of the dearest parts of my motherhood experience, and sadly I don't know if I'll ever have that chance again.  God's ways are so much higher, though, I know.

Spiritually, we are confident of one thing, that God is sovereign, and that He is good.  We believe with all of our heart that he MEANT for me to carry each of our 7 babies, no matter how short the time.  He meant for US to be the family to adopt these particular four snowflake babies.  The evidence of how things fell into place is simply too great to think otherwise.  We don't know, and will never claim to know, during our earthly days, why he took any of these 4 snowflake babies or two of our biological babies home so soon.  It isn't for us to know right now, unless he chooses to reveal it to us.  But He had every day of their little lives numbered, just like He does for us and for everyone else.  His ways are not ours, but His ways ARE perfect.  Of that, we are sure.  He was not shocked by any of this, but instead, knew how this would all play out from the beginning of time.  We are endlessly grateful that He allowed us to be the ones to give these little ones a chance at continued life, and that he has allowed us to love so many babies that we will one day meet in eternity.

We are thankful for our donor family, who, right now, we only know through pictures and through medical history.  Currently, we do not even know their names.  We are thankful for the choice they made to donate these little ones, rather than destroy them.  Legally, they had the right to give them a very different outcome, but they chose life for them, and also chose to give another family (us), hope.  They have been informed, by our fertility clinic staff, of the outcome of both of our transfers, and they graciously allowed us to write them a letter, thanking them, for the chance they gave us, and explaining the love we had for these babies.  It is a curious and all the same wonderful feeling to know that four of our children are, genetically, the children of another couple, and we feel a very special bond to this family.  In our letter, we gave them our names and contact information, and expressed our desire to get to know them further.  We would very much love to know the "first parents" of these four precious little ones.  Whether or not they contact us is up to them, and we will understand either way.  But, regardless, our love for them and our appreciation to them will never change.

We are thankful to the staff of Premier Fertility Center in High Point, NC.  Truthfully, I never knew that a medical facility could make you feel so much like family.  The rejoiced with us in victories, and mourned with us when things did not go as we would wish.  They always treated us like people with real feelings and real concerns and real emotions, not just patients coming for treatment.  I could never, ever say enough good things about each and every one of them, for all they did for us over the past two years.

We are ENDLESSLY appreciative to our family and friends for the support we've received throughout our journey.  I could have never imagined that so many people would pray for us and love on us.  From prayers, to hugs, to emails, to random surprises like cards in my mailbox, the support has been overwhelming.  Our family feels so very loved.  One of the most shocking moments came a couple of weeks ago, on the same day when we found out for sure that I was not pregnant, when my MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) table group from church delivered an enormous "basket of sunshine" at our door, just to love on us and encourage us.  With the exception of one (my dear friend Jessica), this is a group of women that I've only KNOWN for a couple of months, and yet they chose to do this for us.  I was totally amazed.  God has been SO good to us with the people he has put in out lives...from our own parents to our old friends to our new friends to even our acquaintances.

The "He is Good" banner from my MOPS ladies

And an amazing care basket

We feel honored that God has used our fertility struggles and embryo adoption to allow us to be advocates of adoption in general.  We are able to say, with assurance, that the love one feels for a child through adoption is no different than the love one feels for a child through biology.  We have the knowledge that there are 153 million children in the world in need of a home, and this does not include an enormous number of donated frozen embryos.  In many ways we are thankful for our fertility struggles, as it opened our hearts to the concept of adoption, and, not only that, but actually gave us a passion for all forms of adoption - embryo, private domestic, foster, and international - and for families involved in these processes.  We are also grateful for the opportunity this entire struggle and process has given us to further strengthen our desire to be an advocate for the unborn, and to show the world that the smallest babies matter.

Where do we go from here?  We aren't entirely sure yet.  We've always told God that we would accept an only child (even though, truthfully, MY desire has always been to have at least 3-4 children), if that was His will, and to please guide us in that regard.  As of now, we do STILL feel in our hearts that God has more children for us to be raised on this earth.  We are praying through what that looks like right now in terms of other possible forms of adoption and family building.  I do think that we can say, for now, that we will no longer be pursuing any type of fertility interventions, as we feel like that door has been closed for us.  Currently, we have an inkling as to where he may be leading us in terms of a new adventure in family building, but we will withhold announcing those plans until we feel absolutely certain that he has confirmed that on our hearts.  Regardless, I know that great things are ahead for us, as he has promised to always bless us with His presence, regardless of what earthly struggles we may endure.

Thank you, from the bottom of our hearts, for caring about us and about our journey.  Looking forward to seeing what's in store from here!

Our Last 4 Losses Explained - Our Embryo Adoption Journey: Part 3

"Our children change us, whether they live or not." -Lois McMaster Bujold

Continued from the first two parts in this blog series:

http://www.onefleshonelove.blogspot.com/2015/10/our-last-4-losses-explained-our-embryo.html

http://www.onefleshonelove.blogspot.com/2015/10/our-last-4-losses-explained-our-embryo_23.html

Initially we had wanted to do our final transfer in September (for no other reason that we were anxious to get these little ones out of the freezer and into me), but we found out that our fertility specialist, Dr. Deaton, would be traveling the week that our transfer would fall in.  Thus, transferring in September would not be possible.  So we patiently waited, and, when my cycle started in late September, we started up our whole routine again - the meds, the ultrasounds, the blood work - for an October transfer.  It was pretty much the same routine from last time, with just a few small differences, so there's not really a lot to explain about it all here.

Our transfer was scheduled for Tuesday, October 6th, at 1pm.  I'm definitely not at all a "superstitious" person, because I know everything is 100% in the hands of God.  But I do always feel a little better about things happening in October, because it is probably the best month for our family...we got married in October of 2008.  We had Joseph in October of 2012.  And we found out in October of 2014 that we were pregnant with Jesse (even though we lost him/her, that baby brought us so much happiness during those early weeks of pregnancy).  So October always just feels like a good month to me. :-)

Just like last time, we dropped Joseph off and got to our clinic a little early.  We were taken back to the same room to consult with Dr. Deaton and Dr. Wininger, and we again found out that the thawing process went perfectly.  We were given a picture of these two sweet babies, and Dr. Deaton told us that he wanted us to understand that the entire clinic staff was really hoping and praying this transfer would lead to us taking home a newborn down the road.  He said we had been through so many disappointments, and everyone really wanted this badly for us.  I truly think the staff at Premier wanted this just about as much as we did.  Everyone there had become like family to us.

In the waiting room and soooooooo excited!

Sweet snowflake babies!

 Next, we were lead back to the transfer room.  I was getting a little nervous, already expecting this to be a very difficult and painful event like it was last time.  Imagine my shock when things were started and the cervical catheter went almost directly through.  I felt about 15-20 seconds of intense cramping (NOTHING compared to my last transfer!) and it was all done!  I was so happy!  Dr. Deaton couldn't stop talking about how positive he felt about things...he said this transfer went so easily and well, and that the embryos looked so good.  He reminded us, of course, that nothing is a sure bet, but that he was very optimistic about this time.  We left giddy with excitement.

Just a few minutes after an unexpectedly easy transfer.  All smiles!

We went home and I spent the next 2.5 days resting and relaxing, just like last time.  Just like last time, I missed picking up my sweet Jojo, but I did take naps with him a couple of days and get to rock him to sleep at night, which was wonderful.  I kept monitoring myself for any early symptoms of implantation or pregnancy but, like last time, it's always hard to tell what's pregnancy and what's medication symptoms.  As I said in my last post...we didn't want to lose any of these babies.  So, of course, twins were definitely our prayer.

Friday morning was the earliest time I expected that I could potentially get a positive, but I knew it was still early, and that there was probably only the possibility of getting a positive that soon if both babies had implanted and we were having twins (and even a lot of twin moms don't get positives that soon).  So I tested that morning and, when I got a stark negative, David and I didn't think too much into it, figuring our positive test would (hopefully) follow the next day.

Saturday, for me, was a key day.  Getting a positive Saturday would mean I got a positive a full day earlier than last time, and that would make me feel a little better about higher hormone levels.  So Saturday morning, David and I woke up early to see what that day's test would show.  Much to our dismay, we watched in sadness as the screen stayed white where we were hoping a second line would be.

Really, I was just sad and in disbelief.  I knew there was still the possibility of getting a positive the next day or even later, but I also knew that if that happened I'd be worried that, with numbers low enough that it took so long to get a positive, another miscarriage would possibly be in our future.  We went about the day the best we could...took Joseph to a fall festival at Bur-Mil park, and went to another fall festival in my parent's neighborhood.  One really hard thing for me is that the weather was overcast and rainy all day, which seemed to match our moods.  But at least we were staying somewhat distracted.  I was just praying that we'd wake up the next morning (Sunday) and get a positive, knowing that, if that happened, there WAS still a chance that things could work out well, even if that chance seemed smaller than I hoped.

So Sunday morning came, with another negative test.  Nothing that one could even consider a positive test line.  I had a total breakdown at 5:30am.  I laid in bed and bawled my eyes out while David held me.  We were both pretty shocked and devastated.  I pulled it together and we made it to church, and we basically spent the next few days just trying to make sense of things, and getting more negative home tests (not that I would have ever expected a positive past that point, but I kept testing every morning just to make sure).  Wednesday the 14th I went for my blood test, and, that afternoon, the nurse called me to confirm what I already knew - my hcg level was negative.  So far as we know, for whatever reason (generally, it is assumed to be genetic problems with the embryos), neither of these embryos implanted into my uterus at all.  It appears that, sometime within a day or two after our transfer, they went directly to the arms of Jesus. We know they were briefly alive, inside of me, for a very short period of time, and for that, we are thankful.  And, despite our sadness at not being able to raise them on this side of eternity, we are thankful that they are now living a life far better than anything we could have given them here.

So the story of our 2nd transfer is sad, but brief.  I don't want to end things on a sad note, though, so tomorrow I'll have a final post regarding our thoughts about all of this, where we go from here, and our belief that, despite losing 6 babies in 14 months, God is still good.

Thanks for continuing to read our story.

Our Last 4 Losses Explained - Our Embryo Adoption Journey: Part 2

“If a mother is mourning not for what she has lost but for what her dead child has lost, it is a comfort to believe that the child has not lost the end for which it was created. And it is a comfort to believe that she herself, in losing her chief or only natural happiness, has not lost a greater thing, that she may still hope to "glorify God and enjoy Him forever." A comfort to the God-aimed, eternal spirit within her. But not to her motherhood. The specifically maternal happiness must be written off. Never, in any place or time, will she have her son on her knees, or bathe him, or tell him a story, or plan for his future, or see her grandchild." -C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

Continued from the first part in this blog series:  http://www.onefleshonelove.blogspot.com/2015/10/our-last-4-losses-explained-our-embryo.html

As we had been asked to do, we called our fertility clinic the day that my next cycle started.  My meds had come from our fertility pharmacy, and were ready for me to start taking.  Our embryo transfer would require me to be on 6 different prescription meds at different times throughout my cycle - 2 different estrogen meds to build my uterine lining (these made me laugh because my body ALREADY massively overproduces estrogen and has for years - in fact, this is the cause of my endometriosis!  But, in these frozen embryo transfer cycles, the meds are essentially totally taking over your body's natural mechanism for a month, so these were necessary), 2 different progesterone meds to maintain my uterine lining and help sustain a pregnancy that may result, progesterone in oil (given via intramuscular injections), and an immunosuppressant to keep my body from rejecting the embryos.  And, on top of this, baby aspirin, prenatal vitamins, and heavy doses of folic acid.  My meds basically took up our entire kitchen countertop!

The first step was to go to our clinic, at the start of my cycle, for a baseline ultrasound, just to make sure all looked good to proceed, and a mock transfer, which is a "practice run" of what the physical embryo transfer procedure would be like.  Embryos are very fragile after thawing, so it's important that the transfer process be completed quickly.  The mock transfer went pretty easily, and Dr. Deaton felt good about how the real transfer would go a few weeks later.  I was cleared to go home and start my meds.

We also decided, for this transfer, to transfer two of the four embryos into my uterus.  Transferring two at a time does give you the chance of twins (if both embryos implant), but also give you a better chance of getting pregnant.  And after all we'd been through, twins were certainly something we'd be okay with...we didn't want to lose any of these babies!  So we decided we would transfer two the first time and keep the other two frozen to further build our family down the road.

The non-injectable meds are pretty easy.  The only real problem with them is that they are loaded with enormous doses of hormones, and I'm not sure I was the nicest person to be around during either of my transfer cycles (David says I wasn't bad, but he probably told me that because he may have feared for his life at that time if he'd said anything different ;-) )  I had some headaches from the meds, and some abdominal pain from an ovarian cyst that the meds were shrinking.  And the progesterone supplements made me super exhausted.  But I feel blessed, because some women have BAD side effects from all of these medications, and mine were, overall, pretty tolerable.

The progesterone-in-oil (PIO) shots are a little different.  Fortunately, I only had to do 10 days of PIO as part of my frozen embryo transfer (FET cycle), but, even as someone who doesn't mind needles, I have to admit, the shots intimidated me.  I was used to giving myself Ovidrel shots for my IUIs, but those are ENTIRELY different.  Ovidrel involves little, short, thin needles, and I gave the shots to myself in the stomach, subcutaneously.  Very little pain to administer, and virtually no pain afterward.  PIO shots, however, are considered one of the "hardcore" injections in the world of infertility.   They involve 1.5 inch needles that go directly into your glute muscle.  Seriously, people, hold your thumb and forefinger an inch-and-a-half apart.  Picture that being all needle (and a much thicker needle than what we used for Ovidrel).  Picture that needle going all the way into your upper muscle.  Seriously.  And picture it delivering a thick, oily, doesn't-dissolve-easily liquid into your muscle, that will leave it sore for days and days afterward.  Yeah, I wasn't looking forward to it.  Also, although it is "theoretically" possible for a woman to give herself PIO shots, the area it must be injected into makes that all but impossible, unless you happen to be a professional contortionist, so almost all women using PIO choose to have their husband administer the nightly shots for them.  PIO shots are known to hurt.  A lot.  During, and for days after.  Some women admit to crying during, or after each one, and many women have painful knots form in their muscles from the injection that last for days, weeks, or months.  Lovely.

So, around day 15 or so of my cycle I had another ultrasound and some blood work, to confirm the other meds were doing what they should, and to make sure we were officially good to go with our transfer.  Dr. Deaton told me to go ahead and start my PIO shots that night.  I'm not totally sure who was more nervous before the first shot...David, or me.  Oh, and have I mentioned how romantic it is to have your husband give you nightly shots in your backside (except that it's not romantic at all)?    Like I said, I don't have an issue with needles.  Because of our fertility problems, I get blood drawn on a regular basis.  When not pregnant, I'm also a regular blood donor.  And shots have never been a big deal at all for me.  But I'll admit, the thought of these particular shots had me intimidated.  David watched the instructional video and, that first night of shots, drew up the progesterone in oil from the vial while I waited nervously.

I'm thankful to say that David ended up being a GREAT shot-giver, and my 10 days of PIO were not nearly as bad as I anticipated.  Yeah, they hurt going in, and yes, they made my muscles sore, but sitting on a heating pad right after helped a lot.  There was only ONE moment in 10 days of shots that I really freaked out, and it was one night when David was drawing back to check for blood (after inserting the needle the shot-giver has to pull back on the syringe a bit to make sure no blood is in it, to make sure the needle is just in the muscle, not a vein, before injecting the solution into the muscle).  I'm not sure what happened this night, but it was in no way David's fault...I think the needle must have just randomly been next to a nerve or something, because when he pulled back on the syringe it hurt so bad that I screamed my head off!  LOL.  I think it scared David to death and confused Joseph, who watched this nightly ordeal while contained in his crib.  But, other than that one issue, the PIO shots went relatively well.  While certainly not fun, I didn't really find them all that excruciating.

So, after all of these daily medication rituals, the day of our transfer rolled around - Wednesday May 13th, 2015.  Our clinic has an embryologist, Dr. Wininger.  He is a Ph.D. who specializes in the study and care of embryos, and he works with Dr. Deaton (Dr. Deaton is both an ob/gyn and a reproductive endocrinologist) to care for embryos in IVF and embryo adoption procedures.  Dr. Wininger thaws the embryos out before a transfer, which in and of itself is a very precise and scientific procedure.  Sometimes, embryos actually die in the thawing process.  I was so nervous about this.  It was hard enough to lose babies during pregnancy, and I didn't want to lose one of our children BEFORE they even had a chance to be safe inside of me.

The day of our transfer, we dropped Joseph off at my parents house and headed to our clinic at the appointed time.  We were lead to a room to consult with Dr. Deaton and Dr. Wininger about how the embryos did during the thawing process.  Fortunately, we found out that both thawed perfectly and looked wonderful.  Our babies were in good shape!  One huge advantage of IVF and/or embryo adoption is that parents get a picture of the thawed embryos before transfer.  I was very excited to get these "first pictures" of our sweet babies!!!

The reason that the top embryo looks more like two embryos is because it was already in the "hatching" process, meaning that it was already in the process of further cell division - a very good sign!  I love this picture of these two precious snowflake babies...ours in all ways, except without our DNA.  Such a cool miracle!

After the consult, we were taken back to the transfer room.  The transfer room is very sterile and full of equipment, but also very crowded and a flurry of activity.  I was on the procedure table, with David holding my hand, a medical assistant with an ultrasound wand on my abdomen, a nurse on the other side of the room, and Dr. Deaton and Dr. Wininger prepared to do the actual procedure.

For most women, an embryo transfer is mildly uncomfortable but not truly painful.  I'm a little bit of an unusual case.  I have some endometriosis around my cervix which means when ANYTHING passes through my cervix, even an extremely small tube like the one used for an embryo transfer, the area of endometriosis is irritated, and that causes extreme uterine cramping.  I'm used to pretty bad pain from my endo, but this is seriously unbearable pain, as bad as what I experienced with my 2nd miscarriage (which was the worst one, physically).  So sure enough, when Dr. Deaton started catheter with the embryos through my cervix, I was immediately in some pretty intense pain.  To make things worse, my cervix happens to be very narrow, and so it takes a while for Dr. Deaton to find the right angle with the catheter to get through into my uterus.  The longer it takes, the longer the extreme cramping goes on, and this transfer took FOREVER.  It was awful (physically).  I'm pretty certain I broke David's hand from squeezing, but he wasn't about to say a word.  Dr. Deaton was even talking about how they could actually see the cramping on the ultrasound screen.  But fiinally it was done.  I wasn't thrilled with the way that the transfer went, because I also knew that sometimes a lot of cramping during the procedure physically stresses the embryos and can lower your chances for success.  But there was nothing to do now but wait and see what happened.

Just a few minutes after our May transfer.  The "Embryos on Board' sign was made by my mom, and the ultrasound picture was of everything just after transfer (obviously the embryos are too little to see, but it's just cool to know they were in that picture)

Because we transferred very mature "Day 6" embryos (meaning these two embryos had grown for 6 days after fertilization before they were frozen in 2013), that meant that they were mature enough that they should implant in my body within the next 24-48 hours after transfer.  Some doctors advise strict bed rest during this period to help ensure successful implantation.  Dr. Deaton just encourages resting as much as possible and avoiding any heavy lifting, etc.  Generally, if a Day 6 transfer is successful, a woman will often get a positive home pregnancy test within 5 days or less of the transfer procedure.  We went home, and I spend the next 2 days resting at my parents house while David was at work (because someone had to be able to change Joseph for me and other things I wasn't supposed to be doing).  It was really hard not to be able to pick Joseph up for a couple of days...he didn't seem to understand.  But I still let David put him on my lap every night so I could rock him, and that made us both happy.

I started testing on Saturday morning, 3 days after transfer.  While some women do, occasionally, get positives this early on home pregnancy tests (especially if carrying twins), I knew there was a good possibility I would NOT get a positive test this early, yet still be pregnant.  So I didn't stress too much.  I had hoped to be getting faint positives by that Sunday, though, and so, after not even getting a faint positive on Sunday evening, I was getting pretty discouraged, and so was David.  I had a bit of a crying session, worried that these two babies hadn't implanted at all.

Monday morning I woke up, just expecting another negative.  So I was very pleasantly surprised when a faint, faint, FAINT 2nd line appeared.  I was pregnant!  With babies that were not even genetically related to me, but babies I would love and care for and raise just like my biological son!  It was beyond cool.  I had a blood test scheduled for that Thursday, so I knew in a few days I'd get to see how my hormone levels were progressing.  I tried not to think too much into things that day and just enjoy the fact that I was pregnant!

I tested again the next morning (Tuesday) and was a little disappointed to see the line not getting much darker.  Now, granted, darkness of lines doesn't always mean a lot.  Different pregnancy tests can come from different dye lots, and that can vary the darkness of lines.  For ME, however, lines that aren't gradually getting darker over a progression of a few days have usually meant one thing...that we were leading up to a miscarriage.  The tests I took on Wednesday morning and Thursday morning showed lines that sere just slightly darker, but not much.  Still, I tried not to think too much into things.  I was still getting lines.  That meant I was still pregnant.  "I'm pregnant today, and I'm going to enjoy it" I kept telling myself and others.

So Thursday rolled around and it was time for my blood test.  Now, the initial blood test doesn't always tell you much.  It tells you your pregnancy hormone (HCG) level, which may be low or high, but that doesn't necessarily mean anything.  It isn't until you go for a repeat blood test several days later that you really get to know how the pregnancy is going, because they want to see your number increasing exponentially from whatever it was at the first test.

I went that morning to get my blood drawn and was told they would call me that afternoon with the results.  According to the American Pregnancy Association, hormone levels at 4 weeks pregnant (which is where I was at this point) range anywhere from 5 to 426, which is of course a very large range.  My phone rang that afternoon and I found out that, while I was indeed pregnant, my HCG was a very low 23.  Obviously, this is very much on the lower end of the hormone spectrum, and also explains why I had zero pregnancy symptoms at that point - no nausea or anything else.  I was pretty tired, but most of that was likely from all the progesterone I was taking, not as much from the pregnancy.  Basically, my doctor's office said this pregnancy could go either way.  Some women with HCG levels this low have their levels increase steadily and well, and go on to give birth to healthy babies (even twins!), while others see their levels fall rapidly and miscarry.  I tried to remain hopeful...there was a woman in my online support group who had an initial hcg level of only 7 and was obviously sure things were going to end badly, but she went on to have a healthy baby 8 months later.  There are also women who had super high hormone levels at this point and went on to miscarry.  So no one really knows anything at this point.  I tried to focus on the good stories, but deep down I couldn't help but worry that one or both of the babies we transferred were not doing well.  I remember getting my blood drawn at this point during my pregnancy with Joseph, and my numbers were already well into the hundreds (I had SUPER high hcg with him, which explains why I felt so sick for 13 weeks!).  And I started to think back to my last miscarriage with our sweet baby, Jesse, and realized that with he/she my numbers were already twice as high at this point, and I still miscarried (and Jesse was just a "singleton," whereas this time I knew there were two babies inside of me, which definitely made me think my numbers should be higher).  So like I said, despite my attempts at being positive, I didn't have the best feeling about things.

I kept testing every day and, while the lines held steady for a while and maybe even darkened a bit, a few days later they started getting lighter.  It was so, so sad.  I knew what that meant, without even having a blood test.  I was losing these babies.  The only reason I had not started bleeding and cramping was all the medications I was on, which will delay that for a while unless you stop taking them.  On the day I went for my next blood test, I got a totally negative home pregnancy test, and I knew it was over.  I'd basically gotten positive tests for a little over a week, and had made it to about 5 weeks and 2 days pregnant, and that was the end.  When they called me that afternoon with the blood results, my HCG had dropped back to zero already.  The babies were with Jesus.  I was told I could stop my meds (I never, ever, ever, in any of my pregnancies stop meds until I know with 100% certainty my hcg is zero, or see on ultrasound that baby has no heartbeat), and so I didn't take any more of my medication past that.  About 3 days later, the physical miscarriage process took place. 

Emotionally, it is never fun.  But I felt blessed that I got to carry these babies, even for a short time.  I can tell the world that their two little lives mattered so, so much....to God, to our family, and to the world.  It felt like an odd place to be in for us - parents to seven children.  One biological child here on earth, two biological children in heaven, 2 non-biological children in heaven, and 2 non-biological children still frozen here on earth.  It was a lot to wrap our minds around in terms of what God was doing in our life.

We decided to give my body a break for the summer, and to give ourselves an emotional break, too.  So, from late May through September, we carried on life relatively as usual, while missing those babies we'd lost, but excited about the ones that would be transferred in the fall.

Which leads us to our October transfer of our remaining two embryos...this story to be continued in part 3...coming soon.  (There will be 4 parts overall to this series, lol...told you this was a long story!)

 

Our Last 4 Losses Explained - Our Embryo Adoption Journey: Part 1

"Sometimes the smallest things take up the most room in our hearts." -Winnie the Pooh

For those who don't know the most recent journey we've been on since mid-April, I know what you are thinking.  How is it possible for anyone to lose 4 babies in 6 months?  How could someone even get pregnant that often (especially someone as infertile as I am!)?  (And of course, this does not include the 2 babies we lost to miscarriage in 2014).  I know you've been wondering and, while some of our close family and friends know what we've been up to since spring, many of you don't, so here we go (this is going to be a REALLY long story, so I'm going to write the whole things out in multiple parts).  I will say, it's definitely been one of the most challenging emotional and physical journeys I've ever been on, but it's a very unique story that, I feel, is worth telling.  Also, for those who want to know more about our past fertility struggles (I've always been an open book about them, to let others know they aren't alone!), you can catch up with the following:

Our Primary Infertility Journey: http://onefleshonelove.blogspot.com/2012/06/our-journey-to-parenthood.html

Going Public About Our Secondary Infertility:  http://onefleshonelove.blogspot.com/2014/07/honesty-and-transparency-going-public.html

Our First Two Miscarriages: http://onefleshonelove.blogspot.com/2015/01/two-babies-in-heaven.html

So, if you've read the above, you basically know all about our fertility struggles, all due to my severe endometriosis.  Endometrial tumors on my ovaries left them virtually destroyed.  How I got pregnant with two biological children after Joseph (the two we lost to miscarriage) was apparently a combination of heavy fertility meds with a large does of "miracle" thrown into the mix.

So, after our last IUI in March failed to result in pregnancy, we were at a crossroads.  We truly believed (and still do!) that God intended us to have more children to raise here on earth.  Over the past year or so, we've increasingly felt the Lord laying adoption on our hearts (NOT as a "backup" option, but as a true calling).  However, on the flip side, I felt a strong desire to experience pregnancy, birth, and breastfeeding again.  How can these two things - a call to adoption and a desire to experience pregnancy - fit together?  The answer, for us, was relatively simple - embryo adoption.

Before I explain what embryo adoption is - I need to put a disclaimer out here.  I realize I have a lot of friends who have different views of "when life begins" or "when a human being begins."  I know this can be a hot topic, and in this particular post I do not wish to politicize things.  Those who know me know that I am militantly pro-life (I really don't know how else to describe it), and I believe with every fiber of my being that a human being absolutely begins at conception.  Thus, when it comes to our family, we believe that embryos (an egg that has been fertilized by a sperm) is a full human being, created by God, and given a soul.  Although they may look, to many, like a "ball of cells," in our belief system they are absolutely no different from you or from me, they are simply at a different stage of development.  After all, ALL of us started as embryos. :-)

Now that I've given our viewpoint, let me explain what embryo adoption IS.  When a couple chooses to pursue IVF (in-vitro fertilization) treatment to get pregnant, the woman's eggs are fertilized by the man's sperm in a petri dish.  Generally, multiple embryos are created to give the couple a good chance of getting pregnant, but only one or two embryos would be "used" at a time.  Thus, once a couple gets pregnant and feels their family is complete, "extra" embryos are often left and preserved through a highly specialized freezing process (this is high-tech stuff, guys, despite the image I often have in my head of embryos tucked into a freezer bag and put in a deep freezer, lol).  So, what is the fate of these embryos, if they are not to be used for a chance at pregnancy?  Until about 17 years ago, the options were for them to be destroyed, donated to research, or frozen indefinitely.  For a pro-life Christian, these options present a multitude of problems.  Obviously, destroying them OR donating them for research would ultimately mean destruction of a human being, and freezing them indefinitely would really be no different, as it would be putting that human being's life on hold forever.  So, about 17 year old, a woman who had been struggling to get pregnant herself AND had a heart for the fate of these "smallest" human beings contacted Dr. James Dobson, of Focus on the Family (who has, incidentally, become one of the biggest advocates of embryo adoption) and a pro-life OB/GYN to question them about the possibility of adopting another couple's frozen embryos to use in getting pregnant herself.  They all determined that there was no reason that this couldn't be a possibility, and, moreover, that God would honor this idea, and thus the idea of embryo adoption was born. giving a woman the ability to carry and give birth to her adopted child (while, at the same time, saving one of these little lives)  Amazing!

So, the embryo adoption process goes as follows:  Legal paperwork is completed and an attorney used to legally transfer embryos from the couple that created them to the adopting couple.  When the adopting couple is ready to proceed with the physical side of the process, the adopting mother would start a heavy regime of fertility drugs meant to perfectly prepare her body for these embryos.  Around day 17-22 of her cycle (depending on a variety of factors), the embryos would be passed, via a catheter, through the adopting mother's cervix and into her uterus, with the hope that they will implant in her uterine lining and grow, from that point on, in the same way they would had she conceived them herself.  There are NO guarantees the embryos will implant, much as it's possible for any woman to have an egg fertilized but not have that embryo implant in her uterus (obviously, in normal proceedings, most women would never even know that this had happened to them).  But success rates for embryo adoption are relatively good, and we were so, so excited.  Clear as mud, huh?

Oh, and I should stop now and explain a bit of terminology.  Babies born from embryo adoption are often called "snowflake babies," since they spent part of their life frozen.  I use the term "our snowflakes" very frequently when referring to these four precious little ones, so I didn't want anyone to be confused. :-)

In April, we had prayed about things and decided that this was a good pathway for us for the moment.  It was so important for us to advocate for these little ones and show the world that these were precious little human lives, not "clumps of tissue."  And it gave me the chance to be pregnant again, which I so desired!  After tons of research, we had settled on going through an embryo adoption program in Raleigh.  Based on our research we were prepared, no matter what program we went through, to wait anywhere from 6 months-2 years to be matched with donor embryos, and even then would only be guaranteed to be matched with one (obviously the more embryos you can be matched with the more a) that you give a chance at continued life and b) the higher your chances of getting pregnant).  We knew it was going to be a long process, and an expensive one (Side note: While it didn't end up being long, it did end up being expensive!  But worth it!), but we were excited and ready.

So anyway, on the day in April that I had planned to call the Raleigh program to set up our initial consult and get - what we thought would be - the long process started, it dawned on me that I probably ought to call Dr. Deaton, our own fertility specialist at our own clinic (with whom we had done our IUIs), to get his thoughts and make sure he thought I'd be a good candidate, physically, for embryo adoption. 

Our whole world changed forever for the better when the IVF coordinator from our clinic called me back about 30 minutes later (I say "forever for the better" because, while obviously this whole story doesn't end as we hoped it would end, these tiny babies will still forever be a blessing to our family), saying that they actually had a group of FOUR embryos, donated from the same family, AT OUR CLINIC, that were available for adoption.  And then she told me that, if we wanted them, they were ours!  No waiting.  No long, drawn out matching process.  I literally almost dropped the phone from shaking.  In all of my research on embryo adoption, I'd never heard of a couple being matched with embryos so quickly (I had also joined a couple of online embryo adoption Facebook groups and had not encountered any women in those being matched so quickly, either).   She told me we should come see the file, which would have pictures of the donor parents and their medical histories and, if we wanted to proceed, we could sign the legal paperwork the next week.

I hung up the phone, called David and told him everything, planned a time with him to go see the donor file the next day, and threw Joseph in the car, went to Harris Teeter, and bought several large bags of M&Ms.  WHY did I do this last part, you ask?  Seriously, I have no idea.  I just know that I was so happy, so excited, so hopeful that I might carry and give birth to a baby again, that it was almost like I was sleep walking.  I didn't even know what I was doing, I was just blissfully putting things in my cart.  In retrospect, it really was quite funny.  Everything with this process just fell into place so perfectly...we were literally matched with embryos on the DAY that we started the process.  It was most definitely a "God thing," which is another reason that, even though we now know we won't be taking home a newborn from any of these embryos, as we had hoped, God had these little snowflake babies in mind specifically for us.

So, the next day, David, Joseph (we wanted him to be included in things, too!) and myself went to the clinic to look at the donor file.  We had already decided, as a couple, that the physical appearance of the donor family was of no importance to us.  We didn't care what our children may look like at all, we just wanted children!  Somewhat important, though, was the donors medical history, ONLY so that we would have an idea of any medical needs our children may have and whether or not we would have a financial means to give them the care they needed (as a side note here, we believe ALL embryos deserve a chance at continued life, even those who may have a genetic or other physical or mental disorder, we simply had to be mindful, as a one-income family, of how well we could financially parent these children). 

When we got to our clinic they took us to a private room where we could look at the chart.  As soon as I opened it, I'm pretty sure my heart skipped about 10 beats.  Our donor family was precious, and, as we looked at their medical history, it because increasingly clear that there was really nothing of concern.  They have beautiful boy-girl twins from the same exact "set" of embryos (these two children are the genetic siblings to the 4 snowflakes we adopted).  Our donor couple was anonymous at the time of donation, but had written in the contract that they were open to meeting us and having more of an "open adoption" down the road if we desired that.  And these embryos had only been frozen since May of 2013, meaning they still retained a very good chance of successful implantation  and live birth.  We opened the door and told Angela, the IVF coordinator, "YES."

The notary at our clinic had gone home for the day, so there was no way we could sign the papers that day.  So we set up a day the following week to go sign them, which we did.  The nurses told me to call our clinic as soon as my next cycle started, and that she'd call in all of my meds to a mail-order fertility pharmacy so that we could do an embryo transfer on my next cycle.  In the meantime, we had to, as part of the agreement, see (together) a counselor specially trained in emotional issues surrounding adoption, just to make sure we were prepared for the unique emotional aspects (for adoptive parents and adopted children) that come along with any form of adoption.  We met with her the next week, too, and were cleared to proceed.   We couldn't believe how quickly things were moving!  

Part 2, which deals with our first embryo transfer, coming soon...

Just before signing the adoption papers

"They're ours!"

Fall Fun!

"The cleaning and scrubbing can wait till tomorrow, but children grow up as I’ve learned to my sorrow.  So quiet down cobwebs; Dust go to sleep!  I’m rocking my baby and babies don’t keep." -Ruth Hamilton

I've been delinquent on blogging for a couple of weeks, so I'm just going to update it all at once.  :-)  There will also be a post coming soon explaining the loss of our last 4 babies.  I know a lot of you are wondering how it's even possible that I could have gotten pregnant frequently enough to lose 4 babies since early May, and we actually do have a pretty unique story to tell.  Explanation coming soon, but, in the meantime, let me update you on some of the happier happenings here recently.

I'll start out (on a still less-than-happy note) but saying that a few weeks ago Joseph got his first ever black eye.  :-(  It was awful!  He was going up our front brick steps in the rain and slipped.  The area right around the corner of his eye met the edge of the brick step and, well,  the rest is history.  Poor guy!  It has taken FOREVER to fully go away, so please pardon the slight black eye in these photos!

One big event that has happened recently is that Joseph had his first ever dental appointment!  We saw Dr. Rebecca Andrews from Lake Jeanette Orthodontics and Pediatric Dentistry.  Dr. Andrews lives in my parent's neighborhood and she is so, so nice, and the practice was absolutely amazing.  David went along with us, and I think he and I were both a little nervous about how it would go.  Joseph let them floss his teeth and polish them!  I couldn't believe it!  He was also supposed to get a fluoride varnish, but we refused because we haven't loved a lot of things we've learned about fluoride when researching it.  But they were fine with that and they whole experience was great!  I was so proud of him!

When we first arrived, Joseph instantly had a great time with the train table in the lobby!

Next up, he got his picture taken with a balloon by Miss Naomi, his hygienist. :-)

And was given a sticker

Then it was off to the clinical room, where he helped Miss Naomi clean Thomas' teeth.

And then he got his own teeth cleaned!  Amazing!

For whatever reason, my photos of him with Dr. Andrews herself keep failing to upload here.  But at least you get to see most of his experience. :-)

A few days later, we went to one of our favorite events, the Temple Emmanuel Jewish Festival!  We got an assortment of food for us all to share - an onion and potato knish, a kosher hot dog, falafel, matzo ball soup, and an egg cream.  So yummy!

This past weekend, Mimi and Poppy came in from the mountains to help celebrate Joseph's birthday.  Thursday afternoon we spent some outdoor time in our backyard...it was a beautiful fall day!  On Friday, David took off work and we all went over to Winston-Salem to Old Salem.  Had a great time walking around and eating lunch at Salem Tavern!

This past Saturday afternoon, we celebrated Joseph's 3rd birthday party!  His actual birthday party was yesterday, October 20th, but we celebrated over the weekend.  We had an amazing time and are so thankful for this little boy's life!  I'll share a little more about his actual birthday in next week's blog.  :-)  Thanks so our family and friends that helped us celebrate!

After the party was over, we headed to J. Razz and Tazz Farm in Gibsonville to pick out our pumpkin, as we do every October. :-)

And, last but not least, I'll share some random photos taken throughout October so far...

Daddy and Jojo working a puzzle

Joseph sleeping in our room on a cot.  Joseph is still a pretty frequent night-waker, but it really doesn't bother us much as this point.  We've have a number of arrangements that work for us to all get a good night's sleep - Joseph in his room, Joseph in our bed between us, Joseph in our bed between on the other side of me (between me and a rail we put up), Joseph on a cot in our room, or Joseph in bed with me in a separate bedroom.  When he does wake up, we just pretty much use whatever arrangement works that night.  Sometimes we go through multiple arrangements in a night.  On this particular night, the cot was it.  :-)

Jojo and Daddy love to mow the grass together!

And when we rock together every night, Jojo and I like to make silly selfies :-)

Fall is also bonfire season at our house!  So happy to be able to enjoy the cool, crisp fall days in our backyard!

So there you have it, there's an update on us!  Hope everyone else is having some wonderful fall adventures!