"The homemaker has the ultimate career. All other careers exist for one purpose only...to support the ultimate career." -C.S. Lewis
Most of you who know me know that, while I may be a naturally opinionated person, it's pretty darn hard to actually "offend" me. I respect the opinion of others, no matter how different it is from mine. I may not agree with it, but I respect their right to hold that opinion, so long as they are equally respectful in doing so.
So maybe that's why a particularly disrespectful Facebook status from a "friend" really struck a nerve with me this past week. It was one of the typical Facebook memes that we all find so amusing, except this one was not funny, not to me at least. I won't go into what it said exactly, but it definitely implied that stay-at-home moms have it easier than working moms and, worse, it did so in a self-righteous, "Oh, look at me, I do all of that and still hold a full time outside-the-home job" way.
Not exactly respectful.
Here's the thing. I have a ton of full-time working mom friends. Some of my VERY dearest friends are on this path - some out of choice, some out of necessity. I have mom friends who work part time. I have mom friends who, like me, have chosen to stay at home with their children. I get it, not everyone makes my choice, and that's MORE than fine! Good for them for pursuing the path God has led them to! I can tell you that staying at home IS the best choice for my family. It IS the best choice for my marriage. And it IS the best choice for my child. The Lord has confirmed this in my heart and the heart of my husband millions of times over. I do recognize that this is not the same for all families, marriages, and children, and it's a very very personal choice based on a number of factors. For some, it isn't a choice, it's based on financial need. I get all of that. This is specifically why, when I did my "Why I Plan To Stay At Home" blog series when I was pregnant, I made such a PAINSTAKING effort to be thorough in my disclaimer of "I'm NOT judging moms who do something different, I'm just explaining why WE are doing what we're doing." If I am going to such lengths to be NON offensive, I expect the same respect from others. But let me tell you, a lot of us homemakers (and yes, I use that term proudly in a society where it is often looked upon as sub par) don't get that respect.
I want to address a few things in this post so that I can get some stuff straight here. For one, I blame the feminist movement of the 1960s for a lot of this. Most of you know that I am politically conservative and I don't exactly consider myself a "feminist" in the traditional sense. BUT, I don't consider myself a doormat, either. If a woman desires to work, she should be able to, and fortunately we live in a country where that is not only accepted, but encouraged. Little girls are told they can be anything they want to, and in America that's so much more possible for women than in so many parts of the world, and that's a great thing. But the feminist movement has honored all choices of career and ambition OTHER than that of women who want to make their families and their homes their full time jobs. I have been told (and I'm totally serious - believe me, I couldn't make all this up) that I am "limiting myself." I have been told that I am going to "be bored at home all day with nothing to do" (I'll address the second part of that comment a little further into this post). I have been told that it is "silly" to "waste" my college education. Yes, someone actually told me that. I wish I could say it was a stranger, but this person was actually a close acquaintance/borderline friend! Apparently women who desire to be a CEO or a top ranking military general are ambitious and deserving of accolades. A woman who decides that the most important thing she could do is manage her home and family full time is a self-oppressing idiot. Way to go, society, with encouraging women to be anything they WANT. Apparently that's only true if they WANT something outside the home.
Next, I am fed up with people thinking that the job of a homemaker is easy. People that say that have never done it, at least not for any extended period of time (maternity leave doesn't count, friends, because when you do that you know you have a designated "end date" no matter how things go). I don't assume that being a working mom would is easy. That would be an absolutely stupid thing for me to think. I've never been a working mom, and I cannot imagine the challenges that come with that - I know there are many that are just as difficult albiet different from my challenges. I know that I'm not sure I could operate on the lack of sleep that I get if I had to go to an outside-the-home career the next day (of course, not many parents have a 5 month old who still wakes up every 2 hours, either - good thing he is so stinkin' cute that it's okay). But, on the flip side, the whole "stay at home moms can nap during the day" thing is about the biggest bunch of mess I've ever heard. The only way I can possibly get a nap during the day, ever, is if I go to my parents house and let them take care of Joseph while I nap. Otherwise, if I'm at home either a) Joseph is up and needs care or b) Joseph is asleep but I get too tempted to start my latest organizing project or take care of other domestic duties that need to be done. I've heard it said that Oprah used to tailor her show material to stay-at-home moms. WHAT?! I find it hard to believe that there were very many (or any) stay at home moms that had the time to watch Oprah. I don't even have the TV on while I'm here at home, at least not until the evening when David is home and we are watching Duck Dynasty or the news. I don't have time to sit around and watch tv, or "sit around" and do anything that could possibly be construed as lazy. Let me say this again, world - I DON'T HAVE TIME. I am busy. Yes, some of you think I am making this up, but it's true. I take care of all of our household duties, so that my husband can focus on working and being a good provider. This means cooking, cleaning, childcare, financial management, errand-running, shopping (for things our family needs, not for new luxuries for me), organizing, and that's just the tip of the iceberg of things I take care of for our little family of three. I have no "breaks" throughout the day while I'm here. Unlike my office job, no one is here telling me I'm doing a good job on something. When my child is fussy, it's not a daycare worker, nanny, babysitter, or family member (unless I go seek my parents help which yes, I sometimes do!) taking care of my fussy child while I have 8 hours of relative quiet. It is ME. I'm the one changing all of his diapers. I'm the one figuring out how to "wear" him for hours in the Baby Bjorn while I get housework done because he's teething and too fussy to put down anywhere. Sometimes, when David gets home, I realize I've had to go to the bathroom for hours, and haven't had the time. And honestly, for me at least, being at home full time is about way more than just the everyday ins and outs of raising a child. For one, we are planning to homeschool our kids all the way until they go to college. ALL. THE. WAY. This proposition is overwhelming to me, but I know it's going to be so worthwhile. But I already spend time researching and preparing for that venture. I know my child is only 5 months old, but seeing as how a) we want more children and b) we will be doing preschool-12th grade with each of them, I figure NOW is the time to prepare. I treat Joseph and our home as my full time career, and that requires some thought on all levels. Just one example - I go to a breastfeeding group at the hospital most weeks. Is that "just for fun?" No. In a job, you learn all you can about what you're doing. I'm learning all I can about being a mom, plain and simple.
Another myth I'd like to bust here - please don't think that all women who choose to stay at home are fabulously wealthy. Honestly, so many people tell me, "Oh, you are so LUCKY that you CAN do that!" I know their intentions are good, but honestly, that kind of rubs me the wrong way. The credit doesn't go to luck. It goes to God, and the good decisions He helped us make so we could do this. We discussed, on our first date, the importance of a mother being at home with her children if possible. We knew that was something we wanted to do and, moreover, as we prayed about it, it became clear that it was God's will for our family. At the time, though, I personally saw no way that our finances would make that possible. NO WAY. Fortunately I can say that, over the years, we remained committed to this goal, and committed to praying about it, and God answered our prayers by advancing David's career. His provision has been amazing and I could write a whole separate post on that.
[Side Note: Oh, moms out there who feel called to the stay-at-home path, I BEG you to turn this request over to God and see what He can do!!! You will be amazed! And I am prepared to make the same plea in front of Him over and over as we pursue our goals of homeschooling, meaning I'll be out of the workforce basically for the rest of my working life, and we'll be sending multiple children to college on one income. The numbers will never add up for this I am sure, but God WILL add up] But back when we first made this our goal, we knew that we'd have to do our part in this effort so God would know we were serious about it! So after we'd been married just 5 months, we made the decision to start living off of David's income alone. Mine went straight into our money market account. We started this in March 2010 and continued to do so until Joseph was born in October 2012. That's over 2 1/2 years of my salary in the bank and, let me tell you, that was not easy. We weren't living like other people we knew. And I don't mean that in a prideful way, because quite honestly sometimes I wondered what people thought of us during this time. I'd turn down lunch with friends because I'd already blown my (VERY SMALL) "personal" budget for that month. There was one month, I kid you not, when things were so tight that our total personal budget for that month was $20 ($10 a piece). That meant that David had $10 and I had $10 that month to spend on whatever we wanted. Ten whole dollars to spend over a 30 day period on work lunches, girls nights, guys nights, manicures, you name it. Do you know how many work lunches that buys you in one month in downtown Winston-Salem? ONE. Whooptie doo. I literally spent hours a week becoming a master couponer. Super doubles at Harris Teeter became quite the thrill for me. When our friends went on nice vacations, we pinched our pennies and went tent camping at Myrtle Beach in the middle of the summer (and no, you didn't read that wrong and yes, it was fun). My friends shopped for clothes at Gap. I turned to shopping at thrift stores. Friends, if they needed a new coffee table, per say, went to a furniture store. We went to yard sales. At one point, we were so tight with our money that for entertainment we took the free classes our local hospitals offered on various topics. I am soooo not kidding on this (go ahead, judge me away on this, it's fine and I really have to laugh). We took a stroke awareness class (only people there under the age of 50). We took a sleep apnea class (again, the only non-grey-haired people there). For crying out loud, we took a class on bone cancer. No one we know has bone cancer. BUT, nevertheless, these were ways for us to get out of the house and not spend any money other than a smidgen of gas (and I have to say, we DID learn some interesting things). And SOMETIMES they even had free snacks there (JACKPOT!). At the time I never thought I'd admit that we lived this way, but now I don't mind because, you know what?
It was TOTALLY worth it. I get to be with my sweet boy all day, every day. And I know it's NOT because we are just some lap-of-luxury-living people with money raining down in $100 bills over our house. We trusted God about it. God not only provided, but He guided us to make the good choices we needed to make to get there. And when I look at Joseph's face every day when he wakes up from a nap or when I'm playing with him on the floor, it was worth every hour of couponing, every hot second of tent camping, and every "side salad" I ordered at a lunch because I didn't have the budget to order more. Nothing could compare with the joy I have from raising my little guy. We have to watch our pennies closely now, too, of course. We can't randomly buy anything we want. We pick and choose what's important to us, knowing that the most important is the fact that we are raising our family the way we feel is needed.
So, while I don't claim to know the difficulties of a working mother (and I know there are MANY!), I do know that being a homemaker/stay-at-home mom is not the easy ride through life that society seems to think. It is HARD work. I have a hard job, and an important one. At work, if I made a mistake, I lost my company a little money. At home, if I make a mistake, I mess up my child. The stakes are high. It is exhausting. I don't have the copious amounts of "free" time that people think I do. It didn't come easy. I get stressed out. Our lives have been full of sacrifice for this very purpose. Sacrificing for our family and for me to have a JOB that, personally, I feel is one of the least respected professions out there. I fully realize that those who walk my path may never get the respect of those who made other choices. But, as the saying goes, the days are long but the years are short. Whatever individuals or society as a whole thinks of me is but a fleeting annoyance compared to knowing that I am bringing up the future, right in my own little house in Greensboro. And that, for me, will always be good enough.
